Of Tigers and Feathers – Day 243

It’s not you; it’s me.

This morning, I thought, I miss easy access to anti-depressants. I miss how much lighter I felt when I was on Wellbutrin.
Things were clearer then. Less anxiety haze. The way slings and shots slid off more often than they hit. How it was easy to see each day as simply another paver towards an end goal rather than another failure.

I want to die. If someone showed up right now and offered me a painless, immediate death, I’d say yes.

I don’t see a way out. I don’t want to work for the sake of living when life itself is misery. I resent being tired and ill all the time and I hate how everyone has some idea of what’s wrong and what I can do better to fix it. I’m going through the motions, but every day I wonder anew at the waste. I feel guilty that I can’t appreciate what blessings I have enough to make something of myself. I feel burdened by the need to be a “productive member of society”, whatever that means, and I feel like I’m being a leech.

They say, “always be closing”. They say, “bring value to the world, and only then will you be valued”.

I give up. Anything I can do, someone else can do better, or a few someones can do adequately. I’m not necessary to anything or anyone.

So what’s the point?

Eventually people will get over it. How many people manage to disappear into life, after all, without fanfare, without notice. It’s just the word that scares people. If it was anything else, a move, a fight, a “tragic” accident, cancer, they’d just melt away under reality.

Recently, I read Tabitha Barrett’s The Third Throne series. It’s yet another one of those Heaven/Hell setups where suicide is regarded as the ultimate sin. Suicides get dragged through the various punishment realms, burned to ashes, flayed with thorns, frozen until they shatter, etc. Why? Because it’s a waste of the potential God gave, a refuting of all of God’s grace.

Funny.

It feels ableist, so very privileged. So very easy to say that suicides throw away God’s grace, that they haven’t lived up to their potential.

If the world doesn’t want what you have to offer, be better, try harder, but don’t you dare give up.
If you’re not happy, it’s just because you’re not doing enough, you’re not being the “best you that you could possibly be”.

Pull yourself up by your bootstraps and stumble through every day just so the people around can feel safe within their beliefs of meritocracy and so they don’t need to be troubled with your messy emotions.

As if there isn’t enough rejection and denial in the world already, there’s also countless promises of more punishment and rejection in the afterlife if one should choose that way out.

The abyss stares back and I have no answer for it.

Maybe eventually I’ll gather up my courage, go traveling, blow all my savings, and then pick a nice place to die. It might very well be a better use of what I have than dragging myself through the slog and burdening everyone else around me. Too bad I’ve been thinking about ways to do it that would traumatize the least people and still have no clue.

Seems a bit immoral to have to make someone clean up after my mess, but I suppose eventually I’ll consider it to be the lesser of two evils.

Mercury Retrograde in Aries
Venus in Aries
Mars in Gemini
Jupiter retrograde in Libra
Saturn retrograde in Saggitarius
Pluto retrograde in Capricorn
Chiron in Pisces
Neptune in Pisces
Uranus in Aries
Moon in Gemini

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