Of Tigers and Feathers – Day 100

New moon in Capricorn, conjunct Venus.

100th day. It almost feels like it should be significant, as if I should by rights have some sort of epiphany.
But no.
Not today, anyway.

It’s always fun to do those gut-reaction things because sometimes they end up being truly frightening.

This, for example, from Moon and Quartz:

I seem fated to __________________. I feel like a failure when I __________________. I have to be ___________________________ in order to be deserving of love. Successful people always ______________________. Life is __________________________. It’s best not to ________________________________.

Got filled out as:

I seem fated to _____fail_____. I feel like a failure when I ____breathe________. I have to be ________better________ in order to be deserving of love. Successful people always _______seem happy______. Life is _____hard_____. It’s best not to _____care_____.

Not even sure how to react. This feels strikingly like that time when I did the meditation to go deep within myself, to find the cave and meet my inner self, and got slapped by my inner guide. Right across the face. Hard.

I haven’t really done meditations involving my inner self since then. Which is possibly something I should rectify at some point. But judging from how my subconscious is rolling… maybe not just now.

Part of me wants to re-write that as affirmations. The other part of me stares silently, unable to muster up enthusiasm or joy to do it. Everything seemed particularly difficult today, with negativity spiraling and sticking like tar.

The legal translation for homework that I described as a gangbang. Dropping peanut butter on the fluffy blanket that requires a special trip to the laundromat back home to wash. Waking tired and staying tired all day. Finding it hard to breathe. Having serious thoughts about what I’m doing, doubts about whether or not I can be any good at interpreting, wondering what I’m doing when I have no passion for anything right now, feeling like a leech upon my parents, constantly questioning my lovability.

I don’t know if I should continue my degree.
I don’t know if I shouldn’t just try to find a job, some job, any job, and give up on all my dreams.
I don’t know… I’m going to be honest and say I don’t know if I should even bother to continue breathing.

Sagittarius moon, however, right? The season for faith, for seeking wisdom, for finding freedom. Right?

So let’s try this.

I seem fated to __love and laugh and love again__. I feel like a failure when I ____give in to depression___. I have to be __my most authentic self __ in order to be deserving of love. Successful people always __ control what they can and let go what they can’t control___. Life is ___beautiful and wild____. It’s best not to __dwell on the past. Learn from it and move on___.

Better, I guess, although I’m iffy on it still.

This last week has been difficult, both spiritually, mentally, and physically. But this is where I am and I am once again reminded of Daemon and his fight back to sanity.

(and reminded again to buy and re-read the Dark Jewels Trilogy)

Climb. Rest. See the beauty hidden for your eyes. Climb again, always reaching for the stars.

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