Of Tigers and Feathers – Day 74

Pensive. I’m sitting in the library, a friend across from me, on our laptops, being productive.

It’s been a good day. No qualifiers. Good.

I finished the Frankensteining of the second book and it feels good. I had lunch with Jie, was productive in a gorgeous library that ticks all the finer points of being a student, had dinner, and am now tapping away at my laptop while listening to music.

But then why do I stare into space and yearn?

A song that’s been running through my head lately:

If you miss the train that I’m on, you will know that I am gone.
You can hear the whistle blow, a hundred miles

Is it the skin hunger rearing its head?
Is it because I want someone to cuddle and pet me for a job well done?

But there are no promises, no guarantees of shared dreams.
Perhaps you’ll hold me, but you hold me because you want the skin contact, not because you’re happy for me.
Perhaps you’ll hold me, but it’s because you want sex, not because it’s me.

I refuse to lie anymore.
Not to you. Not to myself. And definitely not helping anyone lie to me.

It’s been a good day.
I won’t lie and say I’m not yearning, not hoping, but it’s been a good day.
If there are only ever more days like today, where the most I can complain of is saudade, then so be it.
But I won’t lie and say I’m not waiting, not wishing.

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