Of Tigers and Feathers – Day 65

Meta-note: the counting of the days. Is this actually meaningful if I’m not aiming for a goal? I don’t know. Maybe you can tell me.

Thene and I were talking about being needed. In friendship. In love.

I said:

I miss being able to curl into someone and give comfort and receive it.
I miss knowing that seeing me will make someone smile.
I miss …well, terrible as it sounds, I miss the feeling of being the center of someone’s life.
I don’t want Mercury or Venus, but it hurts that I don’t even have Pluto. (not having him on so many levels. Poor demoted planet.)
I would like to feel that kind of gravitational force at some point again, a pull strong enough to bring someone across oceans and cultures.
Right now, I feel a bit like a dandelion seed on the wind.
And I’m tethered to you, but perhaps we’re Halley’s comet to each other’s Earth right now.
I’d like to be the sun.

So many of the people in my life are meteor showers, if we’re to flog the dead analogy. Yet I’ve always liked the idea of ever afters.
I don’t believe in possession – but I do believe in gravity. What’s reciprocal. What pulls us together. What, in the end, we sacrifice for.
Ever after only surfaces in the face of opposition. Ever after attempts to understand, to brush back the veil.

And then we spoke of long relationships and the worth of the fabric they weave of our lives.

I don’t judge things by longevity anymore, I don’t think.
I can fall in love in moments. The light that someone brings to my life in the course of a month can burn more brightly than what someone gives me in years of knowing each other.
Longer is not …I used to think that you grow into someone, you learn their nooks and hidden places. But I don’t believe that anymore. Some times we lean away, we hide little divots of shadow, we twist rather than grow.
Ever after is a conscious decision of choosing the other person, every single time, every chance that choice is given. Ever after is love. A long period of being together doesn’t guarantee anything, not even weight, only inertia.

Thene: “I don’t think you can grow into someone because I don’t think people stay static. The things you do know about them are not eternal truths. They are moments.”

And so we are. And part of love, of ever after, is that in every moment, I choose you.
You, specifically, and no one else would do.
I know this, because I find my mind reaching for yours even when I’m happy and enjoying myself.
I want to know what you will say to this, I want to know your reaction to this thing I’ve said, nothing else stands in for it.
I need you to be you, undiluted, uncensored, unabashedly you.
Ever after is realizing that no one can take your place, holding onto that different, and seeing the worth in it.

And I need someone to need me because I make their lives wonderful rather than being the band-aid that keeps things together until they can plaster something else over the gaping wound.

Also, reason #4532 of why I love Thene: our conversation eventually led me to come to the conclusion that what matters in the end, after 16 months of contemplation of being single, is tentacles and cocks.

Leave a Reply

CommentLuv Enabled