Of Tigers and Feathers – Day 56

The line that runs through my mind: we could’ve flown like pollen.

Rob Brezny suggests screaming curses at the night sky for as long as it takes to purge the pain that no longer matters.

Consider this my attempt to make this pain irrelevant. I had another impromptu breakthrough today. Thanks, Jack. *laughs* And it’s brought to light something that I realized before but hadn’t internalized: sometimes it’s not just important to understand where you’re hurt, how badly you were hurt, but in which ways you were hurt.

I thought I’d forgiven, but I hadn’t realized the true pain, the real betrayal, and so my forgiveness was essentially worthless.

Is your world so strewn with beauty, so populated with kindred spirits that you can afford to toss me away the way you did?
I had forgiven you for not loving me enough, for not giving me what I needed, for not being who I wanted you to be, for lying to me again and again. I’d forgiven myself for asking that of you, for staying through pain I should have scorned, for being foolish in the face of love and fear. I’d forgiven us for the travesty that was the middle and the cool indifference of the end.
But now that the dust has settled…
The resentment that simmers is the one where I wonder how is it that I wasn’t enough to keep, why you let go of being friends.
Is it so easy for you? Does such synchronicity simply fall into your lap? Do you routinely find people who you can talk to for hours, who hold you without apparent judgment, who invite you to creativity and incite you to full blown laughter?
But, perhaps I wasn’t that for you. And if that’s true, why would you let me believe otherwise? You deserved better. I deserved better.
The castle of ice I held in my hands is nothing but boggy ground underfoot. Painful, when I believed it to be diamond.

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