Oh Quora…

So many feelz today. I haven’t left the house almost at all and I’m exhausted with the feelz.

To start off with, the questions I’m being asked on Quora seem to be getting exponentially serious business. I’m not quite sure I’m equipped to be the one to give answers and it’s frightening to think of what I might or might not be affecting.

It all started with:

My girlfriend said I cheated on her for talking with my best friend (I’m a girl) and I told her I’m not cheating on her and she doesn’t believe me how do I make her believe me?we were only talking about my new game i got.

So, of course, I go:

Anon, if your girlfriend doesn’t believe you when you say you weren’t cheating — this might not be a winning relationship for either of you.

If you genuinely weren’t cheating on her, then the fact that your girlfriend isn’t okay with you having friends with mutual interests is a big red warning flag. You never want to be in a relationship that starts cutting you off from other social contact. That way lies abuse and co-dependency and crazy and other bad things.

If your girlfriend isn’t capable of trusting you, then honestly, this isn’t a good relationship for her to be in either. If she has trust and possessiveness issues, I’m going to venture that there’s not going to be a relationship she’s going to be happy in, but at least you don’t need to be involved in her misery.

I’m sorry if this wasn’t the response you were looking for, but I’d really suggest taking a good hard look at your relationship and deciding if it’s really something fixable rather than trying to patch it up.

Having been on the receiving end of a lot of unwarranted and hysterical jealousy, I can tell you that it’s a battle no one wins.

Next day, literally, I get this from the same person:

My girlfriend stabbed me with a fork because she thought I was cheating on her (I’m a girl) the reason she thought I was cheating is because my friend hugged me so she thought I was cheating on her was she in the right or was she in the wrong?

Me: 0___o oh my fucking god. Honestly, this should have been my cue that I was out of my depth, but seriously, I’ve never been the sharpest knife in the drawer.

I answer:

1. Even if you did cheat on her, stabbing you with a fork was completely wrong. Now, if you’d given her a STI, then maybe it could have been justified, but still wrong.

2. You’re allowed to have friends. You’re allowed to have relationships outside of your relationship with her. You’re allowed to have, in fact, intimate, relationships that involve non-sexual hugging and kissing outside of your romantic relationship. This is not cheating. She’s in the wrong to be controlling about such a thing.

Also? It would probably be in your best interests to break up with this woman and stay far, far away from her.

I haven’t really started thinking hard about this yet, you know? Because this is all like, it feels like crazy drama, the sort that is super loud but doesn’t come to anything. I guess this is where I totally was using my own life as a benchmark without really thinking about the number of women who get killed by spurned lovers every day.

Then, she responds with:

i read your commet how can i stay far away from her and break up if i really do love her and i dont want to leave her.

My response:

If you don’t want to, I guess you can’t. It’s just my non-professional opinion that you will probably have an easier and better life if you don’t need to live in fear of a crazy girlfriend stabbing you with something worse than a fork just because you had a friend. I’m not saying “if you don’t want to, you can’t” glibly – I’m saying that the only way you will really be able to let her and the relationship go is to realize that this is probably not the best/safest thing for you and that you will have a better life without her. Your heart might break and it might really suck for a really long time, but there are other women out there who are sane and who will not stick pointy things in you.

Still not really thinking about this as a big deal, you know? Because to be honest, I didn’t really expect her to take my advice. And yeah, part of me was like “oh, a fork? Not that bad then…” without really considering maybe it would have been a knife if that had been closer to hand rather than someone being all tsundere.

Anon: Yeah your right i guess you have a point it better to be with someone who wont stab me with a fork.

Me: *headdesk* I mean. This needed to be said? And she guessed I had a point? I mean, should this not be self-evident and something all parents or caretakers teach their children? “Thou shalt not be in a relationship with someone who stabs you with things when they’re angry.”

But I go:

It really is better. Trust me. The next thing might not be a fork.

Later on, when I get back from swimming, anon:

Hey um i dont think breaking up with her was a good idea she is pretty pissed she just attcaked me like if i tried to kill her and then after she was done she threatend to kill herself

Me: 0___o
Okay. This really freaked me out. Again, I genuinely wasn’t expecting her to take my advice. And I felt like this was my bad, where my complete non-experience with dealing with this sort of thing completely comes through. I should have told her to break up with her in a public venue where the girlfriend couldn’t be violent without other people there and I probably should have warned her to be careful of extreme violence when breaking up. But no, I didn’t, because, again, NOT TRAINED. OMG.

Me:

I know it doesn’t feel that way, but you are NOT responsible for what she does to herself. Let me repeat that. You are NOT responsible for what she does. And can I reiterate that continuing to date someone who “attacked you like if you tried to kill her” is …probably not safe? And can you even really “love” her if she’s doing all this? Can you truly feel safe and secure around her? And if you can’t, what kind of relationship is that for you and her?

If you fear for your safety, I would suggest talking to the police or someone in authority. Try not to engage with her in private and don’t let her into your home while you’re there alone.

So I was imagining that she had her own place or she was still living with her parents because honestly she didn’t sound all that old and the talk about games threw me. But then this came in and really freaked me out:

i see but like when she asleep do i sneek away from her to go to my parents house because know i really dont feel safe.

Oh my fucking god. She lives with this person? And she’s still in the same house as this person? What the ever loving hell?

I promptly whip back with:

If you don’t feel safe, GET THE FUCK OUT OF THERE. Do not sleep in the same house, do not live in the same room with this person. Get the hell out since you have a place to go. Just leave. Now.

Really, I’m really seriously not trained for this and I’m deathly afraid that something I say will end up having devastating consequences.

So that wasn’t great. I’m just hoping for a good response from anon at some point to say that she’s safe.

Then, Ilona Andrews has a post in which someone goes:

I am writing my book, (epic fant. not urban) and I have come to a pivotal part where the prince marries his princess. It is vital, because her murder will be the threshold event which propels my prince to action.

Problem: I can’t seem to write the chapters I need about their marriage and sudden love (arranged marr.). I am finding the subject of love pedantic and cliche, no matter what I try to write. Has this happened to you? How do I find inspiration to write parts I’m not really interested in, so I can get to the adventure parts I really want? Thanks for your time!

Complete tangent: And this is why Ilona Andrews is a complete class act and why I love her so much as a person. This was the update, after she gave an awesome post on writing for this dude: When I post writing advice, it’s not an invitation to criticize the story. The story is being written. It’s very fragile at this point and this is the stage where the writer needs encouragement and perhaps guidance. Comments are now locked. B., so sorry about that. My fault entirely.

Yeah, I saw this because my gut reaction was to rush over to the site and be like, way to fridge the girlfriend and go with cheap motivation. Well, maybe not in those particular terms. But something like that. I didn’t even think about how it might feel to someone to have someone be all “I hate your premise because it’s sexist and misogynistic and lame and cheap and lazy.” Well, again, not quite like that, but that’s the gist.

The thing is it’s something I’m growing to hate. You see it all the time, all over the place. Want to be a dick and motivate the hero? Kill the girlfriend!

Part of it is that it offends me on a visceral level. Women aren’t just plot devices. Enough women are killed every year due to completely crazy reasons (see exhibit above) that I just don’t want to see it anymore. Sure, fiction mirroring life and all, but since it’s fiction, surely you can find some less lazy way to do this. What does it say about the prince as a person that whatever he wants to do, he will not do until his wife is murdered?

And this whole “love is cliched” thing. I feel like I kind of want to beat up Tolstoy for his “all happy families are alike” because I feel like that’s at the root of this sort of “love is cliched and boring” thing.

How can love be boring?

Hatred is boring. Hatred is easy. Someone is different than you, better than you, has something you want — boom, easy hatred. Hatred is hardcore easy mode. Yes, I just strung those together. Bite me. Or not, really. I might bite off a piece in retaliation with the mood I’m in.

Love is hard and icky and complicated. Especially if you’re talking about two people from two different countries with theoretically different political backgrounds and with possibly different motivations for wanting the marriage…

Love is stomach flu, no sex for two plus months after giving birth, pregnancy hormones and pre-eclampsia, dealing with someone else’s sleeping habits, eating habits, in-laws, and all the rest. What exactly is boring about this?

Think about how easily most people hate and how high the divorce rate is and the fact that a person can easily go through life without meeting that one person that they would be willing to lay down their life for (which is essentially what this prince is probably going to have to do if it’s going to be epic fantasy involving revenge) and tell me that describing how two people finding their ways to each other and within each other to love each other so deeply is “cliched”, “easy” or “boring”.

Seriously. God.

Part of my ire today is possibly because I read this on Quora:

I have a problem with push-over guys who are too nice. I try and help train my pushover guy friends to be a partner and not a puppy dog in their relationships with girl friends (notice: girl friends, not girlfriends). “If she’s not putting out for you, then don’t move her furniture.”

Translation: if she’s not your girlfriend yet, then don’t give her all the boyfriendly services of letting her cry on your shoulder, taking care of her car repairs, or helping her move apartments. If she doesn’t think you’re the epitome of physical male perfection, why should she date you when she already gets all your services for free?

Just, what the fuck, dude? So, if I’m single, I should just suck it up and hire movers if I need to move? Really? Or I should just suck it up further if I’m broke and do it all myself? Should I be praying for four or five loving brothers next lifetime if I come back as a female again?

I’m so sick and tired of this whole “I will do x and y and z for someone I’m fucking but not someone I’m just friends with”. As far as I’m concerned, if I’m fucking you, then the only thing that I’m doing for you that I will not do for a friend is — fucking. That’s it.

So does this mean I should stop wining and dining my friends? Or I should clearly not be there as support because that’s now “relationship” territory. Or maybe I should turn off my cell phone to all of my “friends” when it hits 9pm because only the person I’m fucking gets to be able to reach me after bedtime. Clearly my friends don’t deserve it because we’re not giving each mutual orgasms.

Just friends?

Can we remember that we go through life with the help of one significant other and (hopefully) a multitude of friends and family?

To me, nothing is sexier than a man who is confident enough in himself that he’s giving, loving and compassionate – all without asking for more than the same in return. 

It’s insane to expect that one person can do it all for you. At some point, (the question involving the guy who wants to run away from his wife and newborn twins spring to mind), you’re going to want your tribe around you; you’re going to need more than just two people to get over what this world throws at you. It’s in fact insanely stressful to expect to do it all just as a couple. Never before in human history have we ever hewn so closely to this insanity and it’s to the detriment of everyone’s happiness. Don’t be part of the problem.

Also? If I don’t feel a spark for you, you withholding help from me is hardly going to make me like you more. Jesus. I’m hardly going to prostitute myself for fucking moving services or for a shoulder to cry on. I have real friends for that. Jesus H. Christ.

Today might just not be a good Quora day for me. I saw someone refer to their uterus as their “lady berry”. Now I totally need to just work that in somewhere because wtf?

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