Weird social anxiety ahoy

I loathe being that crazy person who is making everyone else uncomfortable, that person giving you this niggling thought that the nut is about to go off the deep end and oh my god please make the fallout easily contained and cleanable if it’s not avoidable.

But I did. I so did. I so totally was that person.

And I’m laughing now, half in self-disgust, half this almost hysterical hilarity about the depths of my insanity, but part of me is cringing in fear-anticipation about the next time.

The terrifying thing is that I knew I was being crazy, I told myself I was being crazy, but fuck if I could make myself stop being crazy.

What happened?

I went downstairs to go swimming. You know. Like I do. Nothing special, nothing to trigger crazy, right?

Nope. Sorry.

There was this guy, presumably the lifeguard, except he was dressed in a loose orange shirt and red board pants. Makes one wonder about how effective he was going to be if anyone actually needed rescuing. Clothing drag, anyone? IDEK!

I wasn’t expecting anyone there, so I kind of froze. And I had a little bit of a tummy today for some reason, this little roll of pudge hanging over my bikini bottoms, so I wasn’t feeling great.  I don’t usually have a little roll. I just have thick waist. So this was making me kinda squerky already.

And I just wasn’t feeling great in general because we’d gone to the cell service provider today and I’d felt like such a foreigner, which I totally am, but I felt so inept and so very bumbling and I was just reminded viscerally of how awkward it was when I first came to Taiwan as a child after pretty much growing up in the States. So I was already pre-disposed towards feeling awkward and seeing this fully dressed dude just wandering around the place when I was expecting it to myself just kind of fire-bombed my composure. By fire-bombed, I mean if I was slightly crazier, I would have just turned around and gone straight upstairs.

I hurried into the water and started doing laps, hoping he would go away. Laps. Lots of laps. Then I tired, but he was still sitting there, kinda sorta not really staring in my general direction and I was just caught in this paralysis of “I do not fucking want to get out of the water while he’s there”.

Which is insane! You don’t need to tell me it was insane. I fucking walked completely nude out of the ocean in Spain. This shouldn’t have been an issue. But it was!

So I went and stood at the far end of the pool from him, doing some arm exercises and just hoping, praying, wishing he would just fucking leave.

No luck. Well, of course, no shit, duh, no luck because he was supposed to be the lifeguard.

He moved around a bit, clearly bored out of his mind, and he went into the spa section for a moment and I thought he was going to the bathroom and so I quick-walked toward the other end of the pool to the exit, thinking I could get out of the pool before he came back.

Then he came back out and I oh-so-awkward-nonchalantly stopped in the middle of the pool and went back to arm exercises. I wanted to sob-laugh at the insane parody of that childhood game where you tried to run up to tag It while It had their back turned and froze when they turned around. But you know, I couldn’t, because part of me was oh-so-very aware of the complete crazy I was indulging in.

I felt terrible because I really wanted to get the fuck out of the water and stop being that crazy chick(en) just sitting in the water, but I swear, I simply couldn’t make myself do it.

Or maybe I really could have. Physics says that was the case, in fact. I just really, truly, deeply didn’t want to. By really truly deeply very, I mean that it was only about 1:30 or 2pm when I went downstairs and I was almost ready to commit to staying in the water until his shift went off at presumably 5. Like I said, insane.

So he finally went back into the spa section to sit in front of the fan (dude was really clearly not wanting to be there and hated his job AFAICS), so I lunged for the end, whipped up the steps, and wrapped my towel around myself before beating it out of there. Rolling my eyes at myself the entire fucking time, of course.

God. The insanity. I’m not even sure what the hell was going on in my brain. And all I can think of is that if I have such issues being under scrutiny, then maybe I’m really not cut out for stuff like conference interpretation. Which, yay, since that was what I was thinking about taking classes for, so much for that idea.

Just. Some days I hate myself. Today is one of those days where I both hate and despise myself.


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