Archive for May, 2017

Of Tigers and Feathers – Day 246

What they never say is that guilt hurts a lot more than ever suspected.

Maybe that’s why there’s so much mention of mortal sins and suicide. Even at my lowest, I’ve never been able to shake the thought that if I’d only been more grateful for what I have, I’d be in a better place. I suspect no one ever takes the out without a niggling of guilt, some submerged question as to whether they’re doing the wrong thing.

What’s wrong, however? If misery is misery, then can it be truly wrong?

Gratitude journals don’t help. I’ve tried being grateful for what health I have, what mobility I have, what opportunities have fallen into my lap, and it only makes me question why I’m not happy.

Look at what you have. Readjust your thoughts of what your life should be and instead focus on what your life could be. Don’t be one of those spoiled children who whine because their life isn’t all magic and rainbows when there’s people dying in terror.

All it does is pile on the guilt.
If I could just give it all away, I could. My life, my blessings, all that I have.
One of those ironic injustices of the world is that you can’t share true wealth when you want to. Easy enough to give away money, but everything else that matters, not so much.

I’m past the point where thinking about going to class makes me want to throw myself out a window, but even as the terrible dread is passing, guilt takes its place.

So the cycle goes.