Archive for October 7th, 2016

Of Tigers and Feathers – Day 43

October 2016!
I am so very ready for 2016 to be over. This year has been a doozy.

The worst part is – I’m not even sure what I’ve learned in all this.
Maybe I learned that some days it doesn’t matter how much you claim to love another person – if you’re hurting them, then it’s time to just cut line and let go. Corollary: if someone is hurting you, then it doesn’t matter how much they claim to love you either. Maybe I learned how to let disappointment roll off my back because it’s inevitable, only a question of sooner or later. Maybe I learned that many hurts are self-inflicted through entitlement and in that case, no one should feel guilty. Maybe I learned that some liars never change and that there’s still hope. Maybe I learned that a lot of my humiliation is only within my mind and everyone else has already forgotten it. Corollary to the previous: things are so different when dealing with people who don’t fixate on your every stumble.

Tree frog update:
We were talking after class and just sort of walking along…and walking along…and walking along… At some point when I was getting further and further away from my dorm, I started feeling antsy because I had sorta asked what he was going to do and he’d said something non-committal and I decided that since I had no idea where he lived and he hasn’t said anything about dinner, I wasn’t about to risk walking him home and feeling super awkward.
So I kinda-awkwardly said, “welp, bye!” and turned and walked off back towards my dorm.
It’s funny in retrospect, and I shook my head at myself while I was walking back home. Awkward penguin is freaking awkward. Part of it, as I said to Iago later on, was that I have no idea how people are expected to behave in Taiwan and I didn’t want to risk sending out the wrong message or committing some sort of social faux pas.
Either way, whatever, you know?
If he wanted to have dinner with me, he could have said so when I asked him what he was going to do that evening.

I told Wei and Wanda the other day that I’m done chasing after affection. If people want me, I’m standing right here, they should feel free to come and get me. That’s not to say I won’t make effort to reach out, but I am exploring the line between being available and reaching out and carving into myself.
The new frame of mind to reach for is: casual and flexible.
Iago asked: “Who wants to have dinner?” yesterday and I went along with it even though I was tired had plans for a nice night in with fridge-food. If everyone had just scattered, I would have gone home and had a good time. As it is, I now know there’s a very nice Korean restaurant somewhere near the school’s back door that I have no idea how to get back to and I did enjoy actually having dinner with someone for a change.

This is another reef I’m navigating carefully – the line between self-care and punishing others for sins that were committed by others.

The JJs want to do a get-together. Originally, people wanted to do Tuesdays. I imagine that me once upon a time would have gone along with it despite the fact that Tuesdays are hell, but yesterday I said no. No, I can’t, because Tuesdays start at 6:30am and end at 6:30pm and at that point, I’m ready for bed, not dinner, booze, and karaoke.
It felt good to be honest about it being a no. Even better, I didn’t feel very anxious about being the sole dissident. Despite wanting to fit in, despite feeling lonely and sometimes desperate, I stood up for my own comfort and took care of myself and didn’t second-guess myself about doing so.
So now we’re going to pizza and maybe karaoke next Thursday after class ends at 5:30pm. Works for me. Mostly.

In other news, now my father’s hopped on the bandwagon. He said, with chagrin, “I was at the concert with your mother, and I saw this sweet-looking girl and said that I wouldn’t object to having her as a daughter-in-law.”

In further news, my grandmother was very taken aback that my mother had said, once upon a time, that she didn’t need or had any great desire for grandchildren. I almost laughed myself silly when my grandmother denounced that statement and said it was very poorly done and wondered what my mother was thinking.