Archive for August 31st, 2016

Of Tigers and Feathers – Day 6

Mom mentioned something about “when you go to NTU and meet someone” and I broke her off with “that’s not in the plans”.

I’m trying so hard not to be militant about it, but I can’t seem to stop myself from getting a tidge cranky when it comes up over and over and over in ways both subtle and not.

Just the other day, someone said something about my culinary prowess and how I should treat them to a home-cooked meal so I could practice the art lest I lose it.

My first reaction was: and why would it be so terrible if I lost the ability to cook well? It’s not like needing to know how to cook is a necessary life skill in Taiwan, where cooking can be cheaply outsourced, unlike the US.

My first reaction was that it was to make sure I kept as many of the traits that make me “marriable” as possible. Because gods know I don’t really fit all that many of the criteria for “preferred daughter in law”.

Yeah, I can see the side-eye of “girl, you overreacting”. I gave myself that side-eye too, fret not.

It just felt like one of those little things. Like my grandmother saying that whoever married me would be a lucky person because of my ability to whip up deliciousness.

…because that’s the point of my learning to cook well? …because that’s the summation of my work and my ability? How happy it will make some guy?

How do you measure a life?

In achievements unlocked, in people loved, in loves lost, in dreams accomplished, in hopes shattered, in haves and have nots?

Meal tickets found and lost?

Part of this journal is I really feel like I need the reminder that I am complete in of myself, and if I am not, then I need to get the hell to work on that rather than hoping someone will lift me out of the ashes.

It’s no coincidence that Cinderella is one of the fairytales I haven’t been able to find a satisfactory twist to yet.

People keep insinuating in ways large and small that it doesn’t matter what I do, if the world is fair or not, that I can solve my problems if I just find the right husband, and it’s so unbelievably damaging in all the ways.

 

It matters that racism is a problem in the country I would prefer to live in.

It matters that wage stagnation and a wage gap are issues in the country I currently live in.

It matters that there are huge issues with the whole M-formed societies we live in.

It matters that emotional labor is still seen as largely a female thing.

It matters.

 

I refuse to live in a mindset where I can “win the lottery” and cheat code my way through life by finding the right guy. Or, to game the system by finding someone who loves me and marrying them even if I don’t love them.